Two Books to Break Your Spirit This Valentine’s Day

6 Feb

This Valentine’s Day, put down the pipe bomb and kill yourself with a book instead. Overcome emotional eating by telling your nasty pet what the bullies did to you in junior high. Buy some new sweatpants at K-Mart and breathe easy knowing everybody hates you. Go to church. Reenact your best worst memories with your dad. Shoot up your favorite fast food restaurant. Or just shoot up.

Because black metal is hot.

Because the art museum is a great place to die.

Because books about death and dying are sexy.

Order Anatomy Courses and The Obese to get laid this Valentine’s Day.

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